You can not fight I don't know...

Another doctor with another maybe, let's see what this test says...

     Today was the MS doctor, and he gave me another I don't know.

    I can't fight I don't know... I can fight cancer... I can fight MS... I can fight six months to live, kick it's ass and show it I am the most stubborn son of bitch that the disease has ever met... just ask my ex girlfriends. They probably would agree.

     I hate that getting an appointment anywhere is over two months away. I am willing to go anywhere for this... willing to do anything to get them done earlier. I just want to get back to life rather than living in limbo.

     My frustration is growing and I hate life every day. I hate looking at the pain in my parents eyes every time I leave a doctor's office. I hate coming home after the appointment with no answer. It makes me want to just leave. If I could walk more than a mile, I would walk and walk and walk and just walk off into the sunset and disappear into the landscape. No where to go just leave and save everyone else the heart and headaches... (at least then my sister would be able to pay off her school loans).

     Now to clarify I don't want to hurt myself or kill myself. I just want to fade away. I have gotten myself into such a state where I can't get angry... I can't cry even though I feel hopeless in this.

     I was a strong charming man. I was doing P90X, I could run for ever and drop and push out 50 push ups with relative ease. No walking a mile is rough. My legs are so weak and my hands shake. I can barely hold a pen in my hand.

     I saw three beautiful women today that two of which I could have had a change to talk with and be my old charming self and all I could think in my head is... Hi I'm Dante (my pseudonym), I am not working right now because I am disabled, and my job will probably drop me in another six months if I can't get healthy and I have no future right now... How are you?

     Pathetic. just how I feel. But I still can't cry or get angry. I seem to be the robot that one of my ex called me. I just sit staring  at the wall and seeing my hallucinations. Wondering when it will all stop.

     I have not hit rock bottom yet, but my head is well below the water. It is the first time that has happened. Usually my head was right at the water line, my face just peaking out enough to breath. Today I can not even see the surface. I could not even tell you where that surface is or the direction in which to travel.

     I know the Japanese proverb Fall down Seven Times Get up Eight. No matter how many times you are down you have to get back up. Rocky one of my favorite movies taught me that when I was young. Maybe the fight isn't over yet Tommy... but standing up on weak legs is getting harder to do. I will always try to get up, no matter how hard it is... I will swing at nothing, hoping to hit nothing.

It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything... Fight Club quote that I guess will get me through my day... If I do hit bottom maybe I will be free... I can only hope... If I have any left.