Comfortably Numb
Hello,
Is there anybody in there? (Sounds like the doctors talking with me in the hospital)
Just nod if you can hear me
Is there anyone home?
Come on
Now
I hear you're feeling down
I can ease your pain
Get you on your feet again
Relax
I'll need some information first
Just the basic facts
Can you show me where it hurts?
There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves (After the meds kicked in)
Your lips move
But I can't hear what you're saying
I... have become comfortably numb
From my week in the hospital these lyrics were some of the most appropriate. I was on the ketamine drip, which I was told would be like a coma but for me it was worse. I was conscious... could see and hear everything but it was distorted. I kept on saying I lost my words... I can't find my words. That is how I felt. I felt held back, like everything was on the tip of my tongue, but I could not get it out.
Someone I used to work with texted me. She has been known to imbibe in hallucinogenic substances. It was always a point of contention between us. I have never so much as tried Marijuana, let alone anything harder and said I never would try it for fun. She texted me, with "I knew it was only a matter of time before you joined the Dark Side - of the moon that is."
It is not my scene. I like being in control, having control of all my facilities, understanding what is going on and being able to react. I do not like taking pain medication because of the dull feeling it gives me. I want to feel the pain, it is a feeling I know. The same coworker described me as a control freak (she is not wrong), but she describe that after I went out on a date with a Doctor (who dealt with sexuality issues and provided council for people who have been assaulted) but she was also a Dominatrix. Needless to say it did not work out between us because of both of us having dominant personalities and wanting control... hence the control freak comment.
Now while I was under I figured I would try listening to some Pink Floyd, Jimi Hendrix and the Doors to see what was so special about it. Now I can recommend that when you are under sedation of something like Ketamine, do not listen to the Doors, The End... especially while watching Batman Begins where the scarecrow is making everyone freak out from his chemicals... It is just bad. But other than that I do not understand what people find interesting in it. Maybe if it was Peyote or LSD it might have done something for me, but since I will never try them I will never know.
I did get very paranoid during the treatment. I always felt like I was outside of my body looking at myself as a statue. I felt as though I would stay in a position until something called me out of it, whether it be a nurse walking in, my phone going off or something similar. I also had to call the nurse because I felt like I was going to die and not be able to find my body again. They dropped my medicine level at that point.
I did go through my phone to see some of the texts I sent. I actually asked a friend if the doctor was keeping me sedated because he wanted to take over the hospital and keep me from stopping him. I asked someone if Google was combining all of their services, and the only thing I could think of was the Anime Akira where Tetsuo started growing (if You haven't seen it you would not understand). I asked if my curtains were Cornflower Blue (Fight Club reference), and that I finally understood Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. I also wrote that I felt like I could not catch up with time...
Those were some of the funny things that I was thinking about while under sedation, but there were also serious times. I spoke about how much I missed work and a doctor trying to get me to say that people in my profession were crooked. It was hard to see people. They seemed elongated in the face and distorted. Very hard to describe in my haze. I could not watch TV because it sounded as if people were talking very far away and that by the time the sound reached me the picture on the screen did not coincide. I watched the same episode after getting out of the hospital, and what I saw in the Hospital did not give away the story line for when I was sober.
Even after being out of the hospital and off the Medicine I was still out of it. I still had paranoia during the nights and felt sluggish. Now I have it as a prescription medication. Tomorrow I will find out how it effects me. I can take it 20 times a day but only 2 days in a two week period. I did meet the head of the program at the Hospital too... He said he is dealing with similar symptoms with two other people. So Maybe I am not alone in this world... well medically at least. New medicine will be coming from Canada because it is not approved here in America yet. They seem to be reaching for medicine to help me.
I think I need to start making lists of what I need to get done. Not a to do list, but a should do list. I need to get back into shape, so maybe giving myself a goal every day of certain exercises will help. 100 pushups and 100 sit ups a day for the first week? Running start off with half a mile and move up from there? Anyone with any suggestions let me know. I am happy to listen.
Now some good news. I will be going back to work, in a limited duty capacity... but still going back. I need to do something. Unfortunately I will be stuck at my house for any time I am not working. It is a start though, and one that is very much needed after being out of work for almost 9 months now. So hopefully a week from now I will be back to work and trying to get by on my own, out in the country with no car... What is life without some difficulties?
Thank you to everyone who has been reading and commenting on this. It is greatly appreciated.
