I have always enjoyed the poem from Robert Frost...
The road not taken.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
and sorry I could not travel both
and be one traveler long I stood
and looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth:
Then took the other, as just as fair,
and having perhaps the better claim
because it was grassy and wanted wear
though as for the passing there
had worn them really about the same
And both that morning equally lay
in leaves no step had trodden black
oh, I kept the first for another day!
yet knowing how way leads on to way,
i doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by
and that has made all the difference.
I would like to think that most of my life's decisions I have stood at that precipice (not just because I have fallen off two cliffs) and taken the road less traveled. It was not always for good, but I stand by my choices.
I have been conflicted for the past year now. It is over a full year since I became afflicted with my current state. A disease, a condition, a whatever you want to call it. Just over a year ago It hit me full on and I tried to hide it from everyone. This was difficult because I am close to my family and friends. I try to internalize everything. While the, we will call it a condition for now, condition has been with me for nearly three years off and on, only a year ago was when it started to interfere with daily life.
Since the last writing, I have gone back to work.
It feels great to be there, to have the socialization and feel somewhat productive. But at the same time it is quite humiliating. I feel emasculated. I watch others perform the job that I strove so hard to obtain and spent years working and I can not do it.
I know the reason why I can not do it is for the safety of everyone. If some harm came to me I can handle that, but if someone else came to harm because of my, condition, I would never be able to forgive myself.
So I am torn between wanting to be productive and being emasculated... again there is that diverge. So I chose to be emasculated every day rather than sit at home and do nothing... I am strong enough to let it roll off my back and take the humiliation. No matter how strong I am, it still makes me sad and down.
I have tried the ketamine again twice at home and absolutely hate it. I feel lost, confused, paranoid and angry while on it. I have to see if the ground is beneath me while I walk. I look into a mirror and do not recognize myself. Everyone looks just a bit off and when they talk it seems as though they were poorly dubbed from a Japanese Samurai movie. I do not want to take it ever again.
I do feel quite lonely at night though. While I am at work I do have some interaction with people, but it is mostly stupid stuff or them asking how I am feeling and what I am going through. It gets old explaining everything over and over again. After I am dropped off at home from work (because I can not drive) I sit there and do nothing. I know almost no one in the area, so I have no friends around and no way to get to my friend's house even if I did, and most of them have so much going on in their lives with family, work and such I hate to bother them.
I live in the middle of no where, with no public transit to speak of. I bought myself a road bike (Bicycle not motorcycle... that would just make me an organ donor sooner), but with all of the medicine I have been on my stamina is horrible (especially on hills). I am slowly getting back into shape.
I think I need some hobbies. I d like to learn how to cook more. Create a meal plan for the week, get all my mise en place (I think that is right) together and cook. I have been looking at stand mixers so I can bake my own breads and such.
I m starting off with the bike and working towards other hobbies. If anyone has any suggestions for someone who has visual disturbances, temporary blindness, not allowed to drive, and has fatigue... it would be helpful.
I guess my next posting will be my decision on telling everyone, instead of writing this anonymously
Wish me luck
