It has been a while since I have
written anything. I really have not had much to report on my status.
All my symptoms are still the same and gained a few more over the
past few but that is nothing new lately, just something I put up
with.
I have been getting my emotions and
feelings out with professional help... Not by my choice mind you, but
it is one of the things my doctor recommended. So a lot of this
things I would express here ends up there and vice verse.
I have been down a lot lately, more
from my circumstances than anything else. When you sit at home alone
most days, it gives you time to think and with me that could be
dangerous as many people who know me could attest to. I just do
better when I am kept busy.
I have a lot of great people in my life
which I feel extremely lucky for. They have helped me out
tremendously getting me to and from places, getting me out of the
house, and just trying to cheer me up. For that you are all amazing
and have been keeping me sane on most days. So thank you to everyone
who has given me a ride, sat and had a beer with me, gone shooting,
to the movies, given me an ear or just offered anything to help... I
could never truly express how grateful I am for it. Any little bit
gets me away from life for the moment, if only for the moment.
What got me thinking about writing
today was an episode of Treme... If you have not watched it I would
recommend it if you like good writing and great music, but that is
beside the point.
It was a Mardi Gras episode, talking
about Zulu in the parade, gumbo party (Although you do not call it
that from what I have learned) and seeing all of the costumes which
peaked my interest. It took me back to my 29th birthday. I
spent it alone, in New Orleans on Fat Tuesday. I had a great time,
meeting new friends for the day and just taking in the adventures of
it all. It also takes me back to better days.
I was accepted into the State Police
that year and waiting to leave for the academy. I was in the best
shape of my life and free to do anything I wanted. I took two long
trips that year, saw sights across the country. I ate authentic local
cuisine in New Orleans, Texas, Missouri and Ohio. I tried to stay
away from the chain restaurants and take it in. I stood on both sides
of the Mississippi River, caught ball games in a couple cities and
heckled Scott Rolen in St. Louis.
It felt like a time where I could do
anything and go anywhere. I had my future ahead of me and it looked
bright.
Before I had got sick I was supposed to
go to Australia... I was saving up for it, and spent all before my
insurance kicked in... I got it all back and then some, but I wanted
to see the Great Barrier Reef. I also had a week long camping trip
planned to fly into Colorado, see the North part of the Country with
Mt. Rushmore, Devil's Tower, and Yellowstone. Sometimes those trips
just seem so far away anymore, since just getting from my place to
Philly can be rough.
I just do not know what is ahead for my
future. I try to take it one day at a time. Things do not look as
bright to me anymore, going to a job I hate and have panic attacks
every time I have to call for a ride in. Watching people do a job
that I had worked hard to get to. I miss doing the 1% of the job that
made all of the other 99% worth while.
This weekend I am participating in a
100 mile ride for charity. It is for MS research. It is one of the
things I am being tested for so I thought I should do something for
the research.
Now I do not know if I can do 100 miles
on the bike. I know I can do 20 for a fun ride and will take each
section as it is and keep on fighting till I get to the end (even if
it takes me all day). The end of this ride for me is not just a goal
for the fundraiser, it is to show that I am not as feeble as I feel.
I can do more and fight through the pain, the weakness and the
misery. I can maybe get back to being the person I wanted to be
rather than the person I am right now.
I want to be the strong person I was...
not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. I want to be the
person people turn to rather than being the one who always needs the
help. One day... One day again.
I heard a quote the other day.
Everything will work out in the end... If it has not worked out yet.
It is not the end.
